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The Beer Olympics AKA Sheninagans 2008

The big build up on the peninsula this all week had been coming from the Men of Genius versus Korea in the Beer Olympics at one of our watering holes, Rhythm n Booze. We had assembled a team consisting of Ryan "The man of 1,000 nicknames" Schlossberg, Pete "I've soiled my knickers" Thorn, Zach "TheZach" Smith, Alex "The Sultan of Swill" Bill, Phil "Phillip of Drunkalot" Parfeniuk, and Jeff " Phillipsisms" Phillips. The only missing member was Mike " not related to Rosie Perez" Perez who, I was told, had come down with a stomach bug. Not even the Men of Genius are immune to the ills of the world on occassion. There would be 7 events culminating in the end all, be all event of "The gauntlet", unfortunately this wouldn't come close to touching the greatness of the Real World/Road Rules Gauntet challenge. Unfortunately Phil had partied a little too hard Friday night and was incapacitated all fo Saturday, thus he was unable to participate. Jeff was also unable to do as he was involved with other goings on in Seoul.

Sidebar: In the instruction sheet passed out to all the teams, the players were referred to as athletes multiple times. This made us all feel better about we were going to be doing to our bodies through over the next 5 hours.

The following is my best effort to recreate the events as they unfolded. I think I've decided I need to start bringing a pad of paper and pen with me when I leave my apartment now. I think this is exactly how Hunter S. Thompson got his start, Gonzo journalism in Korea, has a nice ring to it.

Point breakdown of what you could earn depending on finish.
1st- 10 points
2nd- 8points
3rd- 6 points
4th- 4 points
5th- 2 points
6th- 1 point
7th- 0 points and complete embarassment for sucking really badly at life in that particular event.

Event #1- The Pint Chug
The name says it all, one person from each team (7 teams total) would walk up to the bar and poung a pint (18 oz was the actual size) whiled being timed with a stop watch. Fastest time takes first place. Team MOG made the decision to send up Pete, after all, he comes form the land of pints (jolly old England). As fate would have it, a man who can only be named Beer Monster went right before Pete. Beer Monster who from here on out will only be known as BM proceeded to down the 18 oz of liquid refreshment so quickly that he might've done it in negative time. I think the actual time was 3.6 seconds. It takes some people longer to blink than it did for the BM to drink 18 oz of Grandpa's juice. Pete, looking slightly amazed stepped up and pounded in about 6.4 seconds, good enough for last place and we all know what that'll get ya in the Beer Olympics. We were not deterred, the next event would be one where we surely felt it was more than possible to pick up ground.

Event #2- Beirut aka Beer Pong
Played since the days Xerxes and Alexander the Great. Beirut has helped man people find solutions through a typically peaceful medium. The game is simple, 10 cups lined up in a pyramid shape and filled with 2-5 oz of beer depending on the House Rules. Now our rules were altered slightly due to the need to have this turn into a 3 hour event. So 6 cups were filled with water and you had 10 chances to sink to balls, quickest people to do so would advance to the next round in the mini Beirut tourney. I had felt confident in my ability to compete at an olympic level but Alex "The Swill" Bill also felt like he could be the guy to dig us out of the hole. Unfortunately The Swill didn't perform as well as we had all hoped but on the positive side he did earn us a point. I will say one thing about his stlye of toss, the only thing I could sompare it to was that the way his body contorts at the end of his shot can only be described as someone trying to form the letter S. Left leg is flailed out to the right and the right arm flailed out to the left. It's a thing of beauty. So not all was lost since we had a point but the teams in the lead were in the 16-18 point range. Things at this point aren't going how we had pictured them but this thing was far from over. Next up...

Event #3- The Tractor Pull
This event involved one person from each team drinking 2 beers split up between 6 cups as fast as they can. Needing a big momentum swing we sent up The Zach who was displaying the Eye of the Tiger. In fact, if you got close enough to Zach, instead of a heartbeat, you could actually hear Survivor performing, live. Ofcourse, the team who was now in first place, Nafda, featuring the BM, sent up their big gun for this one. Zach stared into the face of evil and laughed. He finished in what was a blistering speed of 11.4 seconds. However the referee/ known only as "orange shirt" said event throw a 3 second penalty at him for spilling a couple measely drips down his chin. Zach's new time was 14.4 and finished just behind the BM. We got 8 points and could feel our confidence building.

Event #4- Boat Race
This event rquired 3 players from each team lined up side by side with two cups each infront of them. Our team consisted of Pete, Zach and I. The rules were simple, player one drinks, once the cup is put back on the table, empty, player two goes, then player 3, player 3 must then drink another beer adn it swings back to player 2, leaving player 1 to drink his final beer, first team to finish advances. In our first match we won by about 2 seconds, in the next round the other team's final player didn't even drink as we had already won. The finals put us up against a team with a player featuring not just one but two popped collars, or as I like to refer to it as the bane of my existence. Such a horrible idea to pop your collar(s), ugh. The fire had been lit up us and we destroyed the other team earning a cool 10 points and now starting to worry teams.

Event #5- Individual Flip Cup
Another game with simple rules, fill a cup up with 2 shots of beer, drink it, place the cup down on the edge of the table and flip it so it ends upside down on the table, you're able to take as many attempts as possible. The following string of events can only be described as god awful. Complete shenanigans and proved to me that the vast right-winged conspiracy that tried to take down the Clintons has now shifted its focus towards ruining my flip cup career, ohhhhh the humanity. Each team supplied to competitiors but it was a completely individual event, meaning a team could end up with people in 1st and 2nd place. We all lined up, someone counted down and the cups went up. I proceeded to flip a cup faster than any one ever has in the history of the entire universe. There are people on tatooine who were amazed at what I had just done. It took all of 3 seconds for me to drink and flip. Our friends who had shown up to cheer us on stood there, their mouth agape. Out of nowhere screaming starts at people arguing over who finished in the top 8. Then orange shirt decides to nullify the first round, split everyone up and do 2 different rounds. I was floored, undoubtedly I finish much faster than everyone else, even the people I was going against agreed but orange shirt wouldn't hear it. He said it didn't matter and I'd be forced to participate in the chirade known as a redo. I lined up for the next go at it, still fuming, in complete disbelieft at the bag job that just taken place. If it couldn't get any worse, I then flipped my cup and finished in what should've been 4th place, good enough to advance to the next round but again, orange shirt still not happy without having attempted to compltely crush my spirit said another player finished "just a hair" quicker than me and I was now out of the competition. Abysmal I say, completely and utterly abysmal. If this was a disease orange shirt suffered from, it could only be called abysmalitis". Zach came up big again and in the name of all things Men of Genius won the competition, giving us 2 consecutive gold medals and catapulting us into the top 3.

Event#6- Team Flip Cup
Same rules only 6 cups are now involved. Depending on your view we either had an advantage of disadvantage. Since our team only had 4 players, Zach and I now needed to drink and flip two cups each. He would start us off and I'd be the anchor. Again we ripped through the field of teams and made our way into the finals. There was a girl on the opposing team who had already ruffled our feathers by being just a straight up bitch. She kicked me off the dart board earlier in the day because she claimed she had already called next game and told our friend Julie she couldn't stand where she was at one point because "she needed space". Their team only had 3 members and she decided to drink 3 cups to make up for it. Zach would be going up against her, he got us off to a slight time advantage but that was quickly erased with the next two cups, then it came down to be and the dude rocking the popped collars. I struggled on my first cup, finally landing it on my 3rd flip. My opponent was already on his last cup but was also struggling, I pounded the beer and in one flip ended it. Celebrations all around, with Pete and Alex more than just going through the motions and they dominated as our middle flippers in the 3 rounds. We had just won our 3rd straight medal and now in the top 2 along with Nafda and the BM.

Event#7- The Gauntlet
Awkward event that had three phases to it. First up, 1 player throws a dart at the board and whatever number it landed on you had to dirnk for that many seconds( doubles and triples did not count). Second, a player rolls a pair of dice or is it die? I never really know with that one. Whatever the number is that shows is how long they have to drink for, 3rd a player must them drink 6 shots of beer and 3 cups of beer filled roughly half way. it was a timed event. We needed a good time but it didn't need to be great for us to take win the inaugural Beer Olympics. I was on darts, Alex on die, and our resident chugging expert Zach on, well, chugging. I was aiming for low numbers obviously but ended up with a disapointing 13, so after drinking for 13 seconds it was up to Alex  who rolled an 10 or 11 I believe, then Zach onto Zach who again didn't disapoint. Our time was good but not great with 45.79 seconds and it was then up to orange shirt to tell us who was victorious. He retreated behind the bar to tally up the score. He slowly made his way to the stage and said the one thing we didn't want to hear. "It was a tie!!!" Men of Genius and Nafda shared the lead and the way to settle the score was with a one beer pound off. Zach vs. BM for all the marbles. At this point it's safe to say I've seen enough to know I've seen too much. Zach put forth another solid effort but just wasn't able to overtake the BM. 2nd place for the MOG and one aggravated Ryan A. Schlossberg. I was inconsolabe for a good while. For our efforts, we received a bottle of Tequilla which we proceeded to empty in aobut 7 minutes.

I'm feeling better about our performance and it truly was an amazing comeback. Great performances all around and I'd do it all over again with the same people. I'm now exhasuted, time for some New England clam chowda. Be well people, keep your eye out for the big fat guy with a beard coming in 4 days.

Intrigued in Incheon


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 23rd, 2008 11:58 pm (UTC)
Little known fact about Popping the Collar
It is a little known fact that the popped collar has origins that go as far back as the vampire-hunting community of 19th century Europe.

As the vampire-hunting craze grew, so did the need for added protection; as such, many hunters preferred to wear high collars to both obscure their most vulnerable targets while providing maximum mobility as well as an added layer of defense, aiding in the completion of evasion maneuvers in case of vampire. Some industry professionals such as Abraham Van Helsing and Simon Belmont were rumored to have sewn religious trinkets into the fabric of the collar with the specific intent of being attacked, hoping the bite would lead to immediate vampire explosion. This practice, especially popular among Dutch hunters, became known as "De Knallen Kraag," or "The Popping Collar."

With the decline of vampire hunting as a socially acceptable social activity as well as pressure from Vampire Advocacy groups like Redpeace and PEVA (People for Ethical Vampire Activities,) the "popping collar" quickly fell from fashion.

In the later parts of the 20th century and help from the resurgence of vampire activity in popular media (mostly in the entertainment and fashion industries) the "popping collar" has been reclaimed by the vampire community, changing the image of the trend from one of vampire oppression to a symbol of willing followers. The largely vampiric entertainment industry reintroduced the trend (which had evolved into the "popped" collar) to distinguish between the ruling vampire class and those who are immersed into the vampire community while lacking certain vampiric traits (immortality, severe sunlight and garlic allergies, the ability to appear at all interesting.) Such individuals mark themselves by "popping their collars" in order to show their loyalty to the vampires of popular culture.

So now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Dec. 24th, 2008 12:09 am (UTC)
Re: Little known fact about Popping the Collar
If there was ever any doubting your Man of Genius status, these concerns have been completely put to bed forever. Wow, PEVA? Wow. Wowwwwww.
Dec. 24th, 2008 08:06 am (UTC)
Re: Little known fact about Popping the Collar
You are also aware that your page continually puts up advertisements for alternative feminine hygiene products? Because knowing THAT is the other half of the battle.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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